Tag Archives: Thoughts

Let go…

Do you ever wonder when you look at someone whether this will be the last time you will see them? Do you try and capture in your mind what their hands look like, their toes and what their hugs feel like? I worry that I will forget the scent of the person when they pass on.

You might catch glimpses of their features in photos but their smell will go away won’t it? Somewhere into the universe. Will you be sitting in your balcony one day and suddenly get their whiff and feel your heart so full from pain and joy? 

Would you beat yourself over all the things you haven’t done for the person? Would you regret the day who didn’t join them in their walk because you didn’t feel like?

Are you torn between being selfish and wanting them around for you but not wanting them to suffer and not wanting to watch them suffer?

I read a story about a set of twins during the holocaust maybe about 10 years old. They were sewn together by the evil doctor to resemble Siamese twins. They apparently were in a lot of pain and used to scream a lot – their mother overdosed them on morphine to kill them and relieve their pain. 

Do you wonder if put in a horrible situation of any kind you hang on to hope of things getting better or just want to escape the misery.I read stories of the survivors of the holocaust and how some of them went ahead and had a full life. Maybe some of them would feel that living through that torture was worth how their life turned out? 

But that’s the thing about life isn’t it? We can’t sit and brood – because then it is a downward spiral. The world will just look darker and darker. 

We need to believe in hope, be resilient about today and revel in the beautiful memories of the past. 

The past, the present and the future are yours to make your life beautiful. 

Let go of the negativity and regrets.. Just let go because it is your life to make beautiful …

I apologise for the morbid thoughts and all the mumbo jumbo that I have written but my mind is just full of this and I was hoping writing would clear my mind. 

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L is Live just really live the moment.

You know that moment when you are looking at an amazing sunset and then decide oh wait let me click it, then Instagram it, then share it across media and remember to hashtag it well.

That’s when you break the moment. The beauty of the moment and the thoughts you had are broken.

I read of this concept in the Dalai lama’s cat – mindful consciousness. It’s being totally aware and in the moment.

In today’s times of social media and so many distractions we lack that. Even now while I type this blog, I have the TV on.

When was the last time we drank a cup of coffee and enjoyed it as just that a cup of coffee. Early morning grogginess doesn’t count because you are not fully aware.

I for one just can’t do one thing. While I cook, rather than enjoy the process of smelling the spices and watching them mix, I switch on the washing machine, fill water, Google recipes, clean up.

Even while watching tv, I can’t just do that so I play games on my phone or chat or iron or google something which has caught my attention. I can’t just sit and watch TV.

I know it’s not just me. So many times you are out with friends having a great time when you either stop to capture the moment, check with friends if they like how they look, upload it and wait for comments. Or someone gets a ping on their phone and is visibly distracted by what’s happening on their phone. The moment is effectively broken.

I wonder if we are scared of being truly in the moment. And if so, what are we scared of ? Are we scared to really having those intense moments of peace and happiness.

Or are we just an extremely distracted generation. It’s not just us. It’s our parents too. They too have been dragged into this social media, too many things to do at once phenomena – though I do think they handle it better maybe because they are more responsible .

I admire the peace I see on my grandparents faces as they sit in the balcony in the evening and just look out. Together – watching the eagles soar, the sky change colour and the birds head home . Every single day.

I can’t stand at my balcony for more than 5-10 minutes before i am distracted and feel the need to click or check my phone or go back in.

We need to switch off other distractions and really live – live for the moment .

Maybe the reason we are so stressed is not because we have so many things to do and lead a fast paced life. Maybe it’s because we have too many things jostling for our attention and we think we to allow it all in.

Switch off your tv – it’s like another baby vying for your attention. And when you do watch TV- do just that. Maybe we will find TV a lot less junk if we reduce our exposure.

Refuse to check social media – it’s like the irritating person who cuts into people’s conversations or keeps interrupting your thoughts. Schedule some time everyday maybe twice where you take our 20 mins to check be on social media.

And even if you are one of those not into social media or TV – I bet you are in a minority if you know just how to exist in the moment.

We need to learn to breathe – breathe in and breathe out.

Live – just really Live every moment.

this is my entry for the April blogathon for the letter L.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

So yesterday was my last day at work, I have taken a year long sabbatical . I am taking time out to figure out what makes me tick, what my passion is or I I have some ounce of talent in me

It helps that the reason for my sabbatical is that the Tall one has found a job in another city.

I am grateful to have this opportunity, nervous I won’t do enough, nervous coz I have never not worked – never had a time in my life at least after joining school where there was no intangible goal .

I am a little scared of the unknown. I have tonnes of thoughts but no plans. 1 year seems like a long time but can be gone so soon.

The world tells me I will figure it out but I think the world over estimates me. I am not so sure.

5 years down the line I hope I don’t look back on this decision with a tinge of regret.

Keep me in your thoughts! And wish me well…

A whole new world awaits me !

Modern India – really?

So there is this colleague of mine – let me just call her PR. PR is a doll! A beautiful, smart girl, well-educated – done her MBA from one of India’s top B schools. Her Dad works as one of the top officials in one of India’s most respected government organizations. He has worked his way up, to be one of the top officials. She speaks highly of her father who despite belonging to an SC caste never used the reservation or allowed his daughters to use it. They have had to work their way to whatever they have done in life

PR is dating this mallu Nair boy – a nice boy am sure -nothing great in the looks department,educated less than her, happens to work abroad. His dad used to work in the gulf and came back to settle in Kerala.

His parents are dead against their marriage – their first reason being that she was an SC!!!
They then think that her dad should give them dowry – coz their son isn’t easily available on “sale” or something to that effect.

When she told me about the dowry bit, i was disgusted and asked her if this guy was worth it. I mean even if your parents are demanding dowry – dont u as a man in love with this girl have the guts to tell them this is wrong! Why are you communicating it to her? Because apparently the boy thinks it’s ok!

What shocked me even more – while PR wasn’t thrilled, she was ok with a certain amount of dowry being given. because in her side, if she had an arranged marriage, dowry is a pre-requisite.

Is it me? Am i too naive or idealistic? Do i live in a palace of illusions?

-> I would have thought her dad would say – I will never give dowry for my daughters! They are educated and capable of earning for themselves and hopefully will do so in tandem with their partners. let the couple make a life for themselves.
-> I would have thought she would have told the guy and his family to buzz off
-> I would have at least expected a lot more outrage from PR – am i good enough for you only with a couple of lakhs accompanying me?
-> I would have thought that in this day and age – caste would not matter especially when the girl is educated and of a similar if not better background than yours

Is modern-day India just a facade?

Is our old thought process just buried below this farce of moderness we claim to have?

What does it feel to grow up knowing that you will be acceptable to a man/his family if u come accompanied with the acceptable amount of money ?

And caste – how can it still matter?

Are we just a handful of us – whose parents would never ever even think of paying dowry for us. My mom as a kid used to always joke that she would ask for dowry from anyone who wanted to marry me!

This saddens me – this India which breaks my notion of dowry, caste etc not being an urbane educated class issue.

Au Revoir 2011!

It’s that time of the year when you evaluate how the year has been to you.

2011 has been uneventful, boring even – but I am grateful to how kind it has been to me. I look around and know I am blessed. Blessed that the year was what it was.

2012 promises to be exciting, it promises to test us more than we have ever been tested! This is one year I am making no resolutions, I am going to let life lead me where it wants. I enter the year with no preconceived notions, just a promise to try to do my best!

And I hope that the Good Man above continues to keep an eye on us!

So here’s wishing all of you a fantastic year ahead!!!

If you have made resolutions may you find the commitment to keep the ones that matter
If you have decisions to make, may you find the strength to deal with the consequences if any.
May you really “live” life to the fullest
We just need to keep the faith and remember that we will always find it within us to deal with everything …if we allow ourselves too.

See you in 2012!

Wisdom from the 20’s

Di’s‘s post on turning 29 inspired this. While it’s too late for me to make lists – considering i have just about 2 months before D-day! So i have made a list of my key learnings in the past decade!

I have learnt that

1. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Hate is just another form of love. Indifference helps you let go of pain and hurtful memories a lot faster

2. It’s ok to make mistakes at work. As a former boss once told me, making mistakes shows that you are actually attempting to work!!! yes he used the words attempting

3. However in the rest of your life’s decisions, there are no mistakes – there are no rights/wrongs. Every step you have taken is just a step into creating the person that you are today.

4. Ambitions change – As you grow up you realize you may never be the hot shoot career professional that you aspired to be – but it won’t matter.

5. It is possible to love without having any walls or inhibitions

6. You need girl friends – enough said!

7. You will make a lot of friends – the important ones will remain

8. Your body is growing old – take care of it

9. Spend time with your loved ones so that you have no regrets

10. A lot of your problems and issues are self created – don’t complicate other’s life and your own with your insecurities. i said a lot of your problems – not all

11. I used to think that to find bliss you needed some form of external stimuli – i have learnt that you can find bliss in solitude

12. Happiness or Sadness is what you choose to be!

20’s – i wonder if you still have some lessons for me before i sign off and join the very adult world of the “30’s”?

Letters to my future baby

Dear Future baby,

They say that parenting is all about tough decisions!

Should i be a strict or a lenient parent? Leave the kid free to be free as a bird or groom them into becoming the next Andre Agassi. Overly protect them from the world or let them face the big bad world? Most of the time it’s about walking a fine line between the various options that are thrown at you

When i look back, i wonder what your Ammamma-to-be’s style of parenting was. One of her closest friends thinks she was too strict when i was a child. As i grew up, while some parents would not let kids go off for out-of-town college festivals, she let me go. Strangely i never slotted her – i never thought of her as too strict or too much of a nag or too interfering or too lenient.

For me my mother meant means security.

Your ammamma-to-be always told me that “remember no matter what you do, i will be there.I may not approve but whenever you fall, i will be there to pull you out of the ditch”. And that for me is what my mother stands for – reassurance and my strength.

I have carried those words with me always. I may not share everything with her – but i know that when push comes to shove ‘mommy will make it ok’. I am approaching 30 and your ammamma-to-be was here for a couple of weeks, i felt like i had a wonderful warm cozy blanket thrown over my life!

And that is what i want to pass onto you – Remember that no matter what your Dad and i will be there. Whenever you need us!

So baby-to-be, My only hope is that we can one day make you feel as secure about yourself, your decisions and your life as my mother made me feel!

Lots of love
The nut!

Disclaimer – I don’t guarantee we will make all the right decisions – but maybe by the time you come around, they will introduce a responsibility giving, parenting skill giving, wise making pill which we can pop

On an aside note
When i hear about kids committing suicide, i wonder if they didn’t know that their parents were the people who they could fall back on.