Category Archives: Dreamz n Ambitions

Musings on the eve of my birthday

So anyway who knows me knows i love my birthday. There have been historic records that tell about The Tall One’s phone having alerts on his phone gently reminding him that his wife’s birthday is in 74 days. Times have changed and now i even get to harass the kid and remind him that we cant discuss his birthday because mine comes first – a whole 22 days before his.

So its the last hour of my 36th year. It’s a lonely one – or should be defined as one maybe. The Tall one is travelling (on a flight back) and the Elf is asleep. I sit on my couch and am doing mundane things like folding laundry while watching crappy television.

In my head – that is pretty much the definition of being a loser. But God knows I am loving the peace. No I don’t crave the peace but right now its welcome. I want time to slow down – I want the last hour of my 36th year to slow down before the calls start and the excitement and the busyness of tomorrow starts.
Time – what’s the hurry?

You seem to be moving fast.

Yet at times I wonder if you are really working?

Time you have made my kid seem so big now and every time i see the long legs and the pants which shorten by the day, my heart feels a twinge. Yet it seems just yesterday when he smiled his toothless baby smile at me.

I look at old pics of the Tall One and I from college and i see time that you have worked and our youth is in the past. It makes me nostalgic for another time, another era – where dreams were so different – I dont even know if they were mine. Yet memories of weekends spent just the 2 of us living the non child life dont seem 7 long years ago.

Time you have made me want to believe I am a grown woman now. But watch me when my mum is around and I am a useless teenager again.

Time has made my granny not remember my name but her smile when she sees tells me that time you cant change feelings. Time you may have slowed down my grand dad but you cant stop him from speed dialing me to ask me about a little cough i might have.

So yeah time go ahead – make me an inconsequential age of 37. But know that I am going to be alright. I am not going over any hill anytime soon. Coz time you may think you work, yet you will never work.

 

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Q is for Que Sera Sera

So since things have been quiet since Thursday, you must have thought that nuttie quit the blogathon.

I have no qualms in admitting that I am in quite a quandary about what to post about Q. She has already questioned the need for Q’s existence and she has well questioned

I could maybe talk about the elf who is a quintessential toddler but has his quirks and sometimes amazes us with his quips. Maybe i could give some wise quotes on the question before every mother – quality over quantity of time spent with the kid ?

Maybe I can give you a quiz but if we differ on the answers it could end in a quibble or a quarrel. Or i could give you a questionnaire and get to know you better, quantitatively at least.

Or i could narrate incidents where over eating of almonds and moong dal halwa made me queasy and since then i have quelled the need to ever taste it again. Maybe i should tell you about the querulous lady who quarreled with me after she jumped the queue.

Or maybe i can write about the quagmire my mind is in this whole quest to discover myself and happiness.

But ultimately i always tell myself Que sera sera – whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see.

This is part of the AtoZ challenge for April and this is my entry for Q.

 

 

 

A is for April and A brand new start

 

Phew back after so many months and i have to thank the AtoZchallenge for bringing me back here.

I am pretty sure you are all fed up of hearing that I am on a sabbatical, the point is the sabbatical happened, its been a year and I haven’t really  hit upon a great next step. Most of my ideas are still just ideas. But I do know that the thought of going back just doesn’t excite me. But i WAS scared – scared to move out of my comfort zone, scared that i would amount to nothing and do nothing productive with my life.

And I say Was because this is what happened…

Like in all good stories, when they are retold, the epiphany about what I needed to do next had a rather poetic setting – Goa! We were in Goa to celebrate my 30 something birthday and i got a tarot card reading done. I have to admit, i went rather skeptically to her. She didn’t ask me anything about myself but looking at my cards she said – that things were moving fast around me and I had  done something that had brought up a huge change in my life. She said that i COULD be on the path to something great but i am resisting it for comfort and that it was weighing me down. And fortunately/unfortunately it was my choice to whether i would chose to walk down the amazing path ahead you which would bring me a lot of personal peace.

As a step towards that, I put in my papers a couple of days at the organisation I worked for. I have resisted offers of part and flexitime working. This April, it would have been 10 years of working in the same organisation

10 years has seen me grow up from a young kid fumbling around to someone who was confident about my work coincidentally starting and ending my career with the same boss and the same team (with many changes in between), 10 years wherein a young girl wanting to the conquer the world has become a mother with dreams pretty different from the ones i started off with. I have a lot to thank the organisation for  – but it is time for me to move on – Move on and see what lies ahead. Scary unknown and exciting.

For a conformist – like me this is a big deal!

Like they say the beginning of the amazing race (another A) – the world is waiting for me.

 

 

Update on my sabbatical 

So it’s been more than 4 months since I started my sabbatical. I thought I would write everyday or at least every other day – but who am I kidding, it’s been 66 days since my last post. In my defence it feels like week.

What have I been upto

I have joined a book club and joined Zumba classes. Both of which I have kept upto. 

I have enrolled for an online course -I am in module 1 of it, so yup just started. I have decided to  change professions, change the course of what I do. More abt it when I am more comfortable. But right now, assignments and studying again is stressing me out. These assignments are like nothing I have done before. I actually need to think and can’t google or phaff my way out of it. Stressful. But dude I am loving it! So let’s see how that goes.

I have also made friends – and even managed a night out with 8 ladies none of whom I am Facebook friends. That last happened in 2005 – that’s right before the advent of Facebook,

I like my routine as a “house wife” but I need to get more organised. But who am I kidding I am just not a domesticated soul.

I have my moments of loneliness and wondering what I am doing with my life

But mostly now – I am at peace !

The diary of a Stay At Home Person

So its been 45 odd days since I started this stay at home business.

In this time, I have rented out our apartment, sold a car and a crib, painted a house, packed up 6 years of existence in a house, said goodbye to my city of 8 years – come to another city, unpacked and settled in to the house almost entirely and the point is

….I dont feel like I have accomplished anything.

My mind is conditioned to believe that the work I did in office is “only work”. The rest is extra curricular activities.

I havent had time to thing what i want to do next. I am busy – i dont know doing what. I am hoping that once the elf starts school, i will have time to think.

The child and his questions give me no free mindspace. My mind feels cluttered on most days.I am trying to get organised and be the fantastic put together stay at home mom’s people are.

except i refuse to be a stay at home mom – i will be a stay at home person – because while being a mom is fabulous and the best thing ever and all the things which people say. I am still a person, not just a mom – I still trying to figure out me and what makes me tick.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

So yesterday was my last day at work, I have taken a year long sabbatical . I am taking time out to figure out what makes me tick, what my passion is or I I have some ounce of talent in me

It helps that the reason for my sabbatical is that the Tall one has found a job in another city.

I am grateful to have this opportunity, nervous I won’t do enough, nervous coz I have never not worked – never had a time in my life at least after joining school where there was no intangible goal .

I am a little scared of the unknown. I have tonnes of thoughts but no plans. 1 year seems like a long time but can be gone so soon.

The world tells me I will figure it out but I think the world over estimates me. I am not so sure.

5 years down the line I hope I don’t look back on this decision with a tinge of regret.

Keep me in your thoughts! And wish me well…

A whole new world awaits me !

Marine drive – Mumbai meri jaan!

Sitting by marine drive

The place that represent Mumbai for so many of us.

Looking at the dark waters I wonder how many secrets have they hidden.

How many couples have loved, fought and broken up at its shores. Some for ever, some to be united again here.

So many of us have stared into these waters building dreams of our futures. Some became millionaires and some failed. They probably all came back and remembered the day they dreamt.

As I sit on marine drive with my almost 3 year old, I wonder if the waters remember the 15 year old who stood by marine drive and dreamt! I don’t remember what I dreamt, but I wonder if I am the same person.

I wonder if the waters remember the ambitious girl who had just started working trotting down the drive in uncomfortable heels after a day at work. I KNOW the ambitions are different, I don’t know what changed.

The young couple starting off their life together, siting in silence as they enjoy their togetherness and the black waters. We still sit in silence but the silence in broken by an endless chatter of a toddler

Mumbai or Bombay my city. Where I grew up in so many different ways. symbolised by the beautiful marine drive.

A piece of my heart will always be part of marine drive.