Category Archives: Tell me why?

Let go…

Do you ever wonder when you look at someone whether this will be the last time you will see them? Do you try and capture in your mind what their hands look like, their toes and what their hugs feel like? I worry that I will forget the scent of the person when they pass on.

You might catch glimpses of their features in photos but their smell will go away won’t it? Somewhere into the universe. Will you be sitting in your balcony one day and suddenly get their whiff and feel your heart so full from pain and joy? 

Would you beat yourself over all the things you haven’t done for the person? Would you regret the day who didn’t join them in their walk because you didn’t feel like?

Are you torn between being selfish and wanting them around for you but not wanting them to suffer and not wanting to watch them suffer?

I read a story about a set of twins during the holocaust maybe about 10 years old. They were sewn together by the evil doctor to resemble Siamese twins. They apparently were in a lot of pain and used to scream a lot – their mother overdosed them on morphine to kill them and relieve their pain. 

Do you wonder if put in a horrible situation of any kind you hang on to hope of things getting better or just want to escape the misery.I read stories of the survivors of the holocaust and how some of them went ahead and had a full life. Maybe some of them would feel that living through that torture was worth how their life turned out? 

But that’s the thing about life isn’t it? We can’t sit and brood – because then it is a downward spiral. The world will just look darker and darker. 

We need to believe in hope, be resilient about today and revel in the beautiful memories of the past. 

The past, the present and the future are yours to make your life beautiful. 

Let go of the negativity and regrets.. Just let go because it is your life to make beautiful …

I apologise for the morbid thoughts and all the mumbo jumbo that I have written but my mind is just full of this and I was hoping writing would clear my mind. 

Through the eyes of my kid

In the elf’s eyes, The world is a beautiful place. I see that changing as he has come to the conclusion that there are some bad people in the world. But he doesn’t know about poverty, suffering, death and pain.

Like all Indian kids, he sees his quota of beggars mostly at traffic signals. I see his curious eyes look at them. The one who always has a question about everything is quiet. He asks no questions. At least not yet.

I struggle with how much to tell him. I want him to be compassionate yet dispassionate. I feel In a country like ours, you can’t afford to be one of the two. You can’t ignore the poverty and suffering, but you honestly can’t weep at the plight of everyone.

I want his world to be beautiful longer where the sky changes the colour and the moon and the sun share the sky.  I hate that he knows that some people are not always good.

So the other day we were at a signal and a blind man was begging. The elf was up to his normal games and trying to attract the attention of the auto driver by tapping on the car window. I told him to stop tapping since the blind man would probably think someone was calling him to give him something (in my defence I was driving and my wallet was in the backseat – no way could I have reached for it)

Elf: Why we have to stop tapping?
Nut: Because this uncle can’t see and will think you are calling him. We shouldn’t trouble him
Elf: Why he can’t see?
Nut: Coz he has no eyes

By now the beggar is near my window and I can see the Elf eyeing him. He can see the eyes are different. I wonder if this is too much of information for him. Is he too young for this? Will it shake his belief that Mama and God can make everything ok?

Elf: Why he has no eyes
Nut: Baby you have have to ask God that
Elf looking at the sky: God God, Why this uncle don’t have eyes ?
M<omentary silence and then he looks at me and says – Mama, God says that he didn't have any eyes.

I am struck by so many things. who told him god made people, who told god is in heaven – but more importantly who taught him to be so logical and find an answer to a question I don’t know how to answer.

I want to know but I don’t ask him more questions. I know that the next time we are at this signal, he will remember and ask about the uncle again. He told his grandmother about the uncle when he reached home.

But he isn’t traumatised. His world is still beautiful. Sure it has some people who don’t have eyes in it.

But his simple answer reassured me that he will figure it out and it will not break him. It reminds me how important my answers to his questions are – In making him a good strong person.

In parenting – they don’t exaggerate when they say every minute is making the person they are tomorrow.

What have we come to? Day 8

It’s scary right…

That you could be sitting in a cafe

That you could be at work

That your child could be at school

That you could be sitting at a restaurant or shopping or awaiting a train

And someone can just walk around

… And start shooting

We always knew death was inevitable. But early death now does not seems like a one in a million scenario.

My mind runs through the various places my family and dear ones are at – schools, hospitals, offices, malls. I mentally try to convince myself why these are places that won’t be attacked. I wonder how to react or behave if I am caught in this scenario,

I give up – I don’t have an answer.

Do you hate work? Day 7

So when people say they hate work – what do you mean?

Do you mean you hate just the actual work or hate the environment or hate your boss or hate moments of your work.

For me I exaggerate when I say I hate work. I don’t – I remember going back to work after maternity leave and loving the fact that I could blissfully have a cup of coffee. (No baby crying pooping peeing or the bell ringing just when I settle down with my coffee.)

I love the social aspect of work – adult conversations , meeting people with similar thought processes, making friends with people who are different and a whole lot of people to just gossip about.

On some days I even enjoy my work. On some days I am even passionate about it.

And then there are days when all you want to do is escape from the routine of it all.

I oscillate between whether this is what I am meant to do or whether I have another calling in life? A bigger purpose maybe. Or maybe I am meant to be an just another corporate soul.

So do you hate your job? Or just feel dissonance coz you think you should be doing something else.

P.s

This is probably muddled, I am a little light headed after an awesome night out with my colleagues and for the moment I am just grateful for them and all the laughs we share.

Modern India – really?

So there is this colleague of mine – let me just call her PR. PR is a doll! A beautiful, smart girl, well-educated – done her MBA from one of India’s top B schools. Her Dad works as one of the top officials in one of India’s most respected government organizations. He has worked his way up, to be one of the top officials. She speaks highly of her father who despite belonging to an SC caste never used the reservation or allowed his daughters to use it. They have had to work their way to whatever they have done in life

PR is dating this mallu Nair boy – a nice boy am sure -nothing great in the looks department,educated less than her, happens to work abroad. His dad used to work in the gulf and came back to settle in Kerala.

His parents are dead against their marriage – their first reason being that she was an SC!!!
They then think that her dad should give them dowry – coz their son isn’t easily available on “sale” or something to that effect.

When she told me about the dowry bit, i was disgusted and asked her if this guy was worth it. I mean even if your parents are demanding dowry – dont u as a man in love with this girl have the guts to tell them this is wrong! Why are you communicating it to her? Because apparently the boy thinks it’s ok!

What shocked me even more – while PR wasn’t thrilled, she was ok with a certain amount of dowry being given. because in her side, if she had an arranged marriage, dowry is a pre-requisite.

Is it me? Am i too naive or idealistic? Do i live in a palace of illusions?

-> I would have thought her dad would say – I will never give dowry for my daughters! They are educated and capable of earning for themselves and hopefully will do so in tandem with their partners. let the couple make a life for themselves.
-> I would have thought she would have told the guy and his family to buzz off
-> I would have at least expected a lot more outrage from PR – am i good enough for you only with a couple of lakhs accompanying me?
-> I would have thought that in this day and age – caste would not matter especially when the girl is educated and of a similar if not better background than yours

Is modern-day India just a facade?

Is our old thought process just buried below this farce of moderness we claim to have?

What does it feel to grow up knowing that you will be acceptable to a man/his family if u come accompanied with the acceptable amount of money ?

And caste – how can it still matter?

Are we just a handful of us – whose parents would never ever even think of paying dowry for us. My mom as a kid used to always joke that she would ask for dowry from anyone who wanted to marry me!

This saddens me – this India which breaks my notion of dowry, caste etc not being an urbane educated class issue.

An open letter to the terrorists….

Terrorists,

So you struck again – this time the National Capital. Yesterday, i spent a lot of time thinking about you thanks to all the 9/11 documentaries on TV. I still remember the fear i felt during 9/11. The fear abated as i thought of it as America’s problem. Then the fear during the mumbai train bomb blasts and the fear during 26/11. 26/11 changed things – once the fear went off, it was overcome with anger – a lot of anger at you, the establishment, the general apathy of our government and at us the common citizens.

A lot of us had a lot of hope – hope that things would change post 26/11. Somehow we would be more secure but u managed to prove that we were wrong – nothing changes. Status quo.

Now i don’t feel angry when i hear about a bomb blast. I don’t feel scared. I have accepted it as one of the ways that humans die – much like heartaches. I just pray that no one i know is part of it and move on with life. We are at work the next day, we don’t continuously watch the news, we know the pattern – intelligence failure, Chidhambaram will condemn the attacks, Manmohan Singh will condemn the attack and promise to take stern action against anyone who threatens India’s security, Opposition will use this as a weapon against the ruling party, Some politician will put his foot in his mouth and we the common citizen will call people we know to check if all is well. And then a couple of heated conversations and we are done!

Ok So my point is this – killing innocents Indians is not really helping you either. You See the government doesn’t care about me. My death will not matter. It will not get u back Kashmir nor will it cause Kasab or Afzal guru to be released from jail. Surely you are smart enough to realize that.We are too weak and unimportant to move our government to do anything for us and the government realizes that and makes some noises and we all move on.

I oscillated for a long time wondering if i should write the next para, I feel guilty writing this but then again i need to safeguard myself. You don’t need to kill to get what you want.Kidnap a politician and it works wonders – remember Mufti Sayeed’s daughter?

So use your resources intelligently and stop this nonsense. Our lives are not as important.The only thing you might achieve is reducing our population growth rate.

Regards
A Nut

Winds of Change

I feel the winds of change,
I hope i am not wrong,
There is an optimism in the air,
or am i just hoping against hope?

My brain tells me not so soon,
My heart is not so sure,
My heart would like to believe
Or is just the rest of my being?

Are those signs
or is it my imagination?

Is it an escape,
or is the real thing
Escape from all that is mundane
But then again how do u define the real thing?

Can important decisions be spontaneous
Or has the thought always being there
Can your convictions change so soon
With no drastic happenings?

Why can’t i wait to know
I need a crystal ball
Uff i hate the wait

Come on winds of change,
A gust of wind or a light cool breeze,
Make me feel optimistic
Refresh me
Make me a new person
And Come On Now!

I read this – and it is unlikely to make sense but then again my blog my freedom

and to give u something other than my ridiculous garrulous post to comment on – let me add i complete exactly one year of blogging today.

Yay…i didn’t expect to survive!