Author Archives: Nuttie Natters

Musings on the eve of my birthday

So anyway who knows me knows i love my birthday. There have been historic records that tell about The Tall One’s phone having alerts on his phone gently reminding him that his wife’s birthday is in 74 days. Times have changed and now i even get to harass the kid and remind him that we cant discuss his birthday because mine comes first – a whole 22 days before his.

So its the last hour of my 36th year. It’s a lonely one – or should be defined as one maybe. The Tall one is travelling (on a flight back) and the Elf is asleep. I sit on my couch and am doing mundane things like folding laundry while watching crappy television.

In my head – that is pretty much the definition of being a loser. But God knows I am loving the peace. No I don’t crave the peace but right now its welcome. I want time to slow down – I want the last hour of my 36th year to slow down before the calls start and the excitement and the busyness of tomorrow starts.
Time – what’s the hurry?

You seem to be moving fast.

Yet at times I wonder if you are really working?

Time you have made my kid seem so big now and every time i see the long legs and the pants which shorten by the day, my heart feels a twinge. Yet it seems just yesterday when he smiled his toothless baby smile at me.

I look at old pics of the Tall One and I from college and i see time that you have worked and our youth is in the past. It makes me nostalgic for another time, another era – where dreams were so different – I dont even know if they were mine. Yet memories of weekends spent just the 2 of us living the non child life dont seem 7 long years ago.

Time you have made me want to believe I am a grown woman now. But watch me when my mum is around and I am a useless teenager again.

Time has made my granny not remember my name but her smile when she sees tells me that time you cant change feelings. Time you may have slowed down my grand dad but you cant stop him from speed dialing me to ask me about a little cough i might have.

So yeah time go ahead – make me an inconsequential age of 37. But know that I am going to be alright. I am not going over any hill anytime soon. Coz time you may think you work, yet you will never work.

 

Goodbye my darling …

Dear Peter Petrosky Bob,

You were the pet  I reluctantly agreed to. I thought getting you as a return gift was way too much responsibility. I looked at how to barter you away at the party itself. But the elf was having nothing of it. He wanted a fish if all his friends got to take home one.

At first I thought that fish were boring – I felt guilty, icky to change your water. But as time went by, you fascinated me.

I loved how your body changed from pure white to black, to the beautiful colour you were. You were my magical fish. My pride – no one else had a fish which changed colour. It amused me how when you saw the tall one you would get all excited knowing he would feed you. If fish ever did a happy dance this was it. 

You tolerated the elf tap tapping and all the excitement the elf showed dancing around you during your water change. 

I often said that you were the only one of my  boys who listened to me. Every time I spoke to you, you came to the top of your bowl to blow me kisses. Every time I sang “hello hello” you came up and told me you love me. 

Even today as you struggled at the bottom of the bowl – you came up to speak to me when you heard my voice – I will be forever touched that you tried so hard. I will miss your puckered lips, your sexy pout, your little black eyes. 

It was miserable to watch you suffer helplessly for the last few days and for that I am glad you are in a better place. 

But now as you lie still at the bottom of your bowl, I keep glancing at the bowl and not seeing you swim around breaks my heart.

Thank you Peter Petrosky Bob for the memories and for teaching my kid and us to love a little more. 

Forever my Petu Singh! Muah!

Hello hello I am back

The reason I don’t post is because a certain someone (you know who you are) doesn’t read my posts and provide adequate encouragement.

And now that I have blamed someone – let me tell you about me in recent times.

Some of you guys know I used to be a banker and after more than a decade in banking I got bored, wanted to do something more with my life, wanted to discover me and so I went from being banker nut to being a nut on a sabbatical.

I took a sabbatical to discover me and after a year long sabbatical I discovered —-umm that there was nothing to discover 😉. This is just about as deep as I go even with time on my hands.

I have to admit I am a marginally better housekeeper and cook since the sabbatical but other than that zilch! I did read a lot more than I did in the last 4-5 years put together. Yay me!! 

But all my lofty plans to write a book, start a business, work in an NGO etc etc –  Lack of Time was never the reason why I didn’t do it. It was just me.

So I decided to get back to doing something outside the house coz honestly I will never be that housewife who has an immaculate house, throws amazing parties, plans healthy meals for the family – I am too disinterested to do that. And just FYI I have full admiration for those who do it and still inspire to be like them. But the reality is I never will be. 

And tada you are now looking at professor  Nut who teaches undergrad students management. It’s  been around 5 months since I started!! 

And Oh my god!! I have never studied so much in my life!! And never worked so hard! As I study everyday sometimes late at night at 2 or early in the morning at 4 – I apologise to all my professors – for the lectures I bunked, for not listening to them, for chatting on icq during lectures. 

In teaching there are no days you can say but today I don’t feel like studying/teaching. And I will get by. In corporate life as a lot of you will admit there are days when you just don’t want to work.

A % of the class – these bunch of kids are looking upto you and you have a duty to teach them well. Not just teach – teach them in a manner where 10 years down the line when they are working they are able to correlate what you taught them.

It is a  responsibility – it’s mentally and physically draining.

But I think I am happy! I feel fulfilled — I think 

Cheat day -3/30

So I am totally cheating here – I can’t think of a single thing to blog about – zilch, nothing, nada – you get the drift. So I go into my drafts for inspiration and I find this from 2292 days ago. – more than 6 years ago!!!

The Nut tip toes into the bedroom at 2 am very quietly. The Tall one has an early morning flight and if woken up might just eat up the Nut’s pretty toes!

She draws the curtains, brushes her teeth, switches off the light almost tip toeing – scared that she might never use her toes again…and lies down in bed only to hear

in a very whiny tone – “Babyyy i am not asleep…what to do?”

The Nut patiently – “Oh ho baby…what happened – are u feeling hot”

The Tall One thinks and answers – “yaaaa that’s the problem”

The Nut reluctantly and patiently opens the window – deals with the curtains and hurricane breeze and lies down again

It starts pouring and the water comes into the room.

Babyyyy – can u shut the window – i am feeling cold now and my feet are getting wet (Really? Tall one…i am the one who sleeps near the window hunny…if ur feet are wet…mine have been washed off)

The Tall One trashes around in the bed in search of the perfect pose which will please the sleep god…knocking the nut the first time, pulling her hair the second time, kicking her leg the next time…and the Nut she holds her peace! (Bleddy morning flight pity)

The nut volunteers to sing “Rockabye baby” – the gesture is rudely brushed aside citing the Nut’s inability to sing.

I have no recollection of this night and I am curious as hell as to how this played out. And that’s why ladies and gentlemen you must never leave posts in drafts! Or at least complete it dammit 

And the above is the wisdom I leave you with tonight. 

Hmmmmph – day 2/30

My initial thought was to have a post with some deep thoughts 😀 in it. However, I have been annoyed and irritated for most of the evening. 

All I can think of is smart retorts to make the person see what an idiot they are behaving like. In my head – I have had at least a 100 conversations with the lady where ofcourse I am the cool and collected person and she comes off as being the illogical woman she is. Hmmmmph!

My irritation reflects in my cooking with my white sauce for the pasta being lumpy and my potatoes refusing to bake.

I want to be able to not let myself get rattled.

I want to be above all of this. 

I hate the amount of mindspace I am giving a person who is a nonentity in my life.

Being an adult sucks, my son would have resolved such an issue with a whine or a complaint to the parent of the offending party, a whack or a tantrum. And with that he would feel better.

But here as an adult, I got to suck it up. 

Or do I now?

The doorbell rings and the tall one walks in.

Within 10 mins I have told him everything. I have whined cribbed and presented my case. The man listens patiently and says a couple of sentences. And i mean a couple of sentences

In a bit – the angry cloud rises from my head, I can laugh at him pulling his moms leg, even my potato bake seems like it might be edible.

Everything in the world seems a little better and big boss comes on. Time to watch other people have problems now 

Forever etched in my heart – Day 1/30

When I started blogging, I did it because I wanted to record my life. For sometime I did it pretty religiously too. But somewhere down the line I realised that while I can crib about my life, make fun of myself and the ones I love, write a couple of senti letters – I find it difficult to write about the little moments that fill my heart.

The first time I stopped blogging was when the elf was born – I never found the words rather I didn’t want to find the words to express what I feel for him. It was a private moment to be savoured by me and that was recorded in my heart forever.

When Swathi forced, I mean suggested that we do a blogathon, my first thought was to write about the amazing Diwali I had – the warmth of friends and family, the pang of missing some family, the traditions I was passing on to my son, the joy of cooking favourite foods of family and friends, the fun of dressing up and all the gratefulness I feel for everything. 

But like always I don’t find the words to do it justice.

Just a heart which feels all warm and loved. For everything I dislike about organised religion, I love how it still binds us irrespective of our beliefs. So I am grateful for that and glad we persist in some traditions.h

Let go…

Do you ever wonder when you look at someone whether this will be the last time you will see them? Do you try and capture in your mind what their hands look like, their toes and what their hugs feel like? I worry that I will forget the scent of the person when they pass on.

You might catch glimpses of their features in photos but their smell will go away won’t it? Somewhere into the universe. Will you be sitting in your balcony one day and suddenly get their whiff and feel your heart so full from pain and joy? 

Would you beat yourself over all the things you haven’t done for the person? Would you regret the day who didn’t join them in their walk because you didn’t feel like?

Are you torn between being selfish and wanting them around for you but not wanting them to suffer and not wanting to watch them suffer?

I read a story about a set of twins during the holocaust maybe about 10 years old. They were sewn together by the evil doctor to resemble Siamese twins. They apparently were in a lot of pain and used to scream a lot – their mother overdosed them on morphine to kill them and relieve their pain. 

Do you wonder if put in a horrible situation of any kind you hang on to hope of things getting better or just want to escape the misery.I read stories of the survivors of the holocaust and how some of them went ahead and had a full life. Maybe some of them would feel that living through that torture was worth how their life turned out? 

But that’s the thing about life isn’t it? We can’t sit and brood – because then it is a downward spiral. The world will just look darker and darker. 

We need to believe in hope, be resilient about today and revel in the beautiful memories of the past. 

The past, the present and the future are yours to make your life beautiful. 

Let go of the negativity and regrets.. Just let go because it is your life to make beautiful …

I apologise for the morbid thoughts and all the mumbo jumbo that I have written but my mind is just full of this and I was hoping writing would clear my mind.