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Hello hello I am back

The reason I don’t post is because a certain someone (you know who you are) doesn’t read my posts and provide adequate encouragement.

And now that I have blamed someone – let me tell you about me in recent times.

Some of you guys know I used to be a banker and after more than a decade in banking I got bored, wanted to do something more with my life, wanted to discover me and so I went from being banker nut to being a nut on a sabbatical.

I took a sabbatical to discover me and after a year long sabbatical I discovered —-umm that there was nothing to discover πŸ˜‰. This is just about as deep as I go even with time on my hands.

I have to admit I am a marginally better housekeeper and cook since the sabbatical but other than that zilch! I did read a lot more than I did in the last 4-5 years put together. Yay me!! 

But all my lofty plans to write a book, start a business, work in an NGO etc etc –  Lack of Time was never the reason why I didn’t do it. It was just me.

So I decided to get back to doing something outside the house coz honestly I will never be that housewife who has an immaculate house, throws amazing parties, plans healthy meals for the family – I am too disinterested to do that. And just FYI I have full admiration for those who do it and still inspire to be like them. But the reality is I never will be. 

And tada you are now looking at professor  Nut who teaches undergrad students management. It’s  been around 5 months since I started!! 

And Oh my god!! I have never studied so much in my life!! And never worked so hard! As I study everyday sometimes late at night at 2 or early in the morning at 4 – I apologise to all my professors – for the lectures I bunked, for not listening to them, for chatting on icq during lectures. 

In teaching there are no days you can say but today I don’t feel like studying/teaching. And I will get by. In corporate life as a lot of you will admit there are days when you just don’t want to work.

A % of the class – these bunch of kids are looking upto you and you have a duty to teach them well. Not just teach – teach them in a manner where 10 years down the line when they are working they are able to correlate what you taught them.

It is a  responsibility – it’s mentally and physically draining.

But I think I am happy! I feel fulfilled — I think 

Y is for yesterday

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I climbed a wall and cried at the top of it because I was too scared to jump off.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I cried because I was to leave a girls school and join a co-ed Coz I didn’t like boys.

Didn’t I just realise yesterday that boys make amazing friends too. 

And has it really been almost 20 years since I passed out of school and since I saw Port Blair !

Wasn’t I Just the nervous island return girl joining a college in Mumbai.

Has it really been 14 years since I first went to B school and met the Tall one and a lot of friends I have made for a lifetime?

Good lord , I started working 12 years ago.

Hello, wasn’t it just yesterday that the Tall one and I lived the dink life – back to back movies, late nights and not a care in the world

And the elf he was definitely born yesterday. Why does he keep claiming to be 4!
AAaah I guess this is being middle aged? I feel so old and yet I feel young. I don’t think I am old enough to be called middle aged. I am a bit apprehensive too. What’s next ? Will I have as many great memories of the rest of my life or will I bemoan yesterday. Will there be no excitement? Will I become a better version of me or will I just stagnate and remain who I am now. 

But like I said in the Q is for post – que Sara Sara – what will be, will be. But I owe it to me to live it up, don’t I?

This is my entry for Y as part of the April atoz challenge 

Letting go…

My baby started school today. As an excited elf wears his uniform, my heart feels heavy. I have been feeling this way for a couple of days I wonder why because he has been in daycare since he was less than a year old.

He is very excited, excited about the swings and the slides he has seen, excited about the uniform he gets to wear.

We enter school and I sense his mood change. He keeps telling me to come in with him. We enter his classroom and hang around for a while. It’s time for me to go, I kiss him goodbye. In the commotion, I don’t think he registers what I am saying. We look back and he is crying either joining in the general tears or he actually wants to cry.

I worry – I know he will stop crying once something interests him. But I worry, if his heart is heavy, if he is scared or if he is worried I won’t pick him up. Who is going to reassure him.

We peak in from a window and the tall one sees him trying to open his bottle, the teacher helps him. The bottle is new – what if he has forgotten how to use it. I should have practised with him more.

I worry about school just being too grown up for him. In a daycare he was looked after. Didn’t we look after ourselves in school?

Who is going to blow his nose or help him in the loo. Make him eat?

I know he is not the friendliest kid in town – will he make friends or would he be sidelined. I know he doesn’t know to hit back – will he get bullied?

Is this the right school? Will the school interfere in the unique way in which he thinks?

The logical part of me knows he will figure it out – learn to stand up for himself, eventually make friends – but the mama in me wants to protect him.

I walk out of the school with tears in my eyes. The realisation dawns that everyday I need to let go of my baby a little more. Everyday is a step away from babyhood to becoming a real person

God bless little one! Spread your wings and fly. Don’t mind your silly mama crying at every milestone. Fly my baby – soar!