Category Archives: Growing Old

Musings on the eve of my birthday

So anyway who knows me knows i love my birthday. There have been historic records that tell about The Tall One’s phone having alerts on his phone gently reminding him that his wife’s birthday is in 74 days. Times have changed and now i even get to harass the kid and remind him that we cant discuss his birthday because mine comes first – a whole 22 days before his.

So its the last hour of my 36th year. It’s a lonely one – or should be defined as one maybe. The Tall one is travelling (on a flight back) and the Elf is asleep. I sit on my couch and am doing mundane things like folding laundry while watching crappy television.

In my head – that is pretty much the definition of being a loser. But God knows I am loving the peace. No I don’t crave the peace but right now its welcome. I want time to slow down – I want the last hour of my 36th year to slow down before the calls start and the excitement and the busyness of tomorrow starts.
Time – what’s the hurry?

You seem to be moving fast.

Yet at times I wonder if you are really working?

Time you have made my kid seem so big now and every time i see the long legs and the pants which shorten by the day, my heart feels a twinge. Yet it seems just yesterday when he smiled his toothless baby smile at me.

I look at old pics of the Tall One and I from college and i see time that you have worked and our youth is in the past. It makes me nostalgic for another time, another era – where dreams were so different – I dont even know if they were mine. Yet memories of weekends spent just the 2 of us living the non child life dont seem 7 long years ago.

Time you have made me want to believe I am a grown woman now. But watch me when my mum is around and I am a useless teenager again.

Time has made my granny not remember my name but her smile when she sees tells me that time you cant change feelings. Time you may have slowed down my grand dad but you cant stop him from speed dialing me to ask me about a little cough i might have.

So yeah time go ahead – make me an inconsequential age of 37. But know that I am going to be alright. I am not going over any hill anytime soon. Coz time you may think you work, yet you will never work.

 

Let go…

Do you ever wonder when you look at someone whether this will be the last time you will see them? Do you try and capture in your mind what their hands look like, their toes and what their hugs feel like? I worry that I will forget the scent of the person when they pass on.

You might catch glimpses of their features in photos but their smell will go away won’t it? Somewhere into the universe. Will you be sitting in your balcony one day and suddenly get their whiff and feel your heart so full from pain and joy? 

Would you beat yourself over all the things you haven’t done for the person? Would you regret the day who didn’t join them in their walk because you didn’t feel like?

Are you torn between being selfish and wanting them around for you but not wanting them to suffer and not wanting to watch them suffer?

I read a story about a set of twins during the holocaust maybe about 10 years old. They were sewn together by the evil doctor to resemble Siamese twins. They apparently were in a lot of pain and used to scream a lot – their mother overdosed them on morphine to kill them and relieve their pain. 

Do you wonder if put in a horrible situation of any kind you hang on to hope of things getting better or just want to escape the misery.I read stories of the survivors of the holocaust and how some of them went ahead and had a full life. Maybe some of them would feel that living through that torture was worth how their life turned out? 

But that’s the thing about life isn’t it? We can’t sit and brood – because then it is a downward spiral. The world will just look darker and darker. 

We need to believe in hope, be resilient about today and revel in the beautiful memories of the past. 

The past, the present and the future are yours to make your life beautiful. 

Let go of the negativity and regrets.. Just let go because it is your life to make beautiful …

I apologise for the morbid thoughts and all the mumbo jumbo that I have written but my mind is just full of this and I was hoping writing would clear my mind. 

Y is for yesterday

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I climbed a wall and cried at the top of it because I was too scared to jump off.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I cried because I was to leave a girls school and join a co-ed Coz I didn’t like boys.

Didn’t I just realise yesterday that boys make amazing friends too. 

And has it really been almost 20 years since I passed out of school and since I saw Port Blair !

Wasn’t I Just the nervous island return girl joining a college in Mumbai.

Has it really been 14 years since I first went to B school and met the Tall one and a lot of friends I have made for a lifetime?

Good lord , I started working 12 years ago.

Hello, wasn’t it just yesterday that the Tall one and I lived the dink life – back to back movies, late nights and not a care in the world

And the elf he was definitely born yesterday. Why does he keep claiming to be 4!
AAaah I guess this is being middle aged? I feel so old and yet I feel young. I don’t think I am old enough to be called middle aged. I am a bit apprehensive too. What’s next ? Will I have as many great memories of the rest of my life or will I bemoan yesterday. Will there be no excitement? Will I become a better version of me or will I just stagnate and remain who I am now. 

But like I said in the Q is for post – que Sara Sara – what will be, will be. But I owe it to me to live it up, don’t I?

This is my entry for Y as part of the April atoz challenge