Tag Archives: Funnies

Black Magic Woman

I have always suspected i have magical powers and over the last week i have proof. So you who is planning to take panga with me…beware! Unfortunately these magical powers only work in troubling people, i haven’t been successful in doing any “good” yet.

So on Friday, my colleagues and i went out for lunch and i drove everyone to the nearby mall. One of the guys – lets call him RA, kept making fun of Swiffy Reddy (my red swift for the ignorant). Yeah Swiffy reddy is now old and a lit bit of her seat stuffing is coming out – but she is my baby and hmmmph to you who are mean to her.

I made a passing comment to RA about not showing off just coz he has a new sparkling car…Guess what come Sunday – he goes shopping, comes back and finds a BIG dent on his car and an even BIGGER SCRATCH!!!

of course i laughed my evil laugh…what did u expect from the ‘angelic nut’

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Anyway so i warned the Tall one about my powers but of course the man paid no heed. The next morning, he had to awake early for a call with the US. He woke up with multiple alarms, i tried – i really tried hard not to smack him for that (See how nice i am!). The man awakes to find that his call has been postponed and he can’t go back to sleep.

Also at that point of time, he thinks i look “pet-able” and it is his birth right to come and try to “pet me”…I tell him very nicely to pls get lost…but no he persists – I get up and yell! (hello, morning sleep, stubble, cranky nut – what do u expect?). The man is scared and goes off to make tea.

My sleep spoilt, a very cranky nut wakes up and demands to be entertained. The Tall one refuses. The audacity of the man i tell u.

Anyway, while drinking his tea, he spills the tea on himself. After much dancing around and commenting on how critical parts of his body had been missed, he finally heard a giggly nut tell him to go put cold water on his “burnt” body.

Screaming and with a lot of drama the man goes to the bathroom and attempts to open the tap. As with most comedies, the shower comes on and drenches.

The Nut is entertained!!!
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Dont take panga with me i say!
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In other news, isn’t the late pataudi just so hot – Why Saif do you have to look so much like your mother. The Husband is not even taking offence to my open leching because of the senior patuadi’s age…

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Bed time stories

So the husband is sleeping and feels cold at night.
Solution: Drag the cover off the nut!
so what if his cover is lying prettily folded at his feet

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When we first got married the Tall one was averse to any form of human contact while sleeping. Not even the little finger of the Nut could enter his space, lest the sleep of the Giant be disturbed.The Nut on the other hand would have loved to snuggle up to the human being she married.

Being a sacrifising pativrata Nut agrees to this lack of contact

Come 2011 – the Tall one can’t sleep. He thinks snuggling up will help.
The Nut kicks him off – she can’t sleep if a little finger enters her space.
He has created a monster! Or have i created a monster.

The Enthusiasts and the Fanatics

A couple of years ago – Japan started dividing the world into Enthusiasts and Fanatics.

They introduced the world to Su-Doku.

In the beginning people were happy just attempting to solve it – we were all “Attempters”. They started awaiting the morning paper – ppl would argue with family members just to resolve who would solve the “Su Doku” that day and yes the fight would intensify if God Forbid the person didn’t manage to finish the “Su-Doku” but messed the paper up enough to ensure no one else could solve it.

Then these attempters actually started finishing “Su Doku” on a regular basis and became the “finishers”. It was no longer a big deal to finish Su Doku – what mattered was how much time. Newspapers milked this enthusiasm with crazy folks finishing Su Doku in 1:03:22 Secs (How the hell!!!) The nation went into a frenzy with ppl trying to beat these high standards.

The finishers refined and became the Enthusiasts. They were divided into 2 Sectors –

There were those who loved the fact that they were good at it and solved it at lightening fast time – u guessed it the “Impressers”,

Then there were those who competed it with each other and fought over which one had won by a milli-second – “the fighters” . (I hav heard that these cases were at times settled by the High Court and when the High Court refused to pass a judgement – the Supreme Court was beckoned)

Of course amongest all this there were a section of the society who refused to get drawn in and blamed the lack of time, mathematical inabilities and always screwed up their nose with a “pls – How nerdish”. but then again our story isn;t abt these much of loosers.

Of the Enthusiasts – the impressors – naah there isn;t much to say about them – they were Boring. Just came in Solved the Su-Doku and walked away leaving the world impressed. But the Fighters they Got dangerous. And Competition always divides.

Today we have ppl who upon loosing Su-Doku and being taunted rush to buy Su-Doku Books, get “presented” with the Su-Doku Game and will do anything to ensure that they are never beaten again. They will spend close to an hour arranging the game which shud ideally be solved in two mins –

So ladies and Gentlement here comes ” the Fanatics”….and we all know what fanatism breeds.Yes – they are dangerous – So fighters who aints fanatics, impressors who aint fighters. BEWARE COZ here comes the fanatics.

Dont take them lightly coz they are a result of Japan’s mind game with the rest of the world

So are u an attemptor, a snob, an impresser, an enthusiast or a fanatic?

i had written this in 2007 when my everyone in my office was heavily into Sudoku Mania

Didi, my life is over*

So the last weekend, the Tall one and I were heading over in swiffy reddy (our little red swift) to watch this highly intellectual movie called “Break Ke Baad” – when i found out that “Didi my life is over”….Ok so lets rewind a few minutes.

The nut is all dressed up – (Yes both eyeliner and lipstick are in place + mascara added for the full effect) and decides that it’s time to look at herself. So she moves the rear view mirror away from the driver (Tall one) to admire her so wonderfully put eyeliner – no caterpillar legs patterns and all. The Tall one protests and is ignored. Come on – looking at me is definitely a better use of the rear view mirror than looking at traffic.

Anyway as she admires her artwork – she sees….A GREY HAIR. There in my widow’s peak sitting prettily was my first grey hair.

She looked in astonishment – the words ringing in her head – “my life is over”. She shows it to the Tall One who starts laughing. He is mighty thrilled that she finally has grey hair.

Nut: “You meanie…how can u laugh so – i am now old and i dont even have a baby. You are not even feeling sad for me”
Tall one: “Hahahahahahaa – you expect me to feel sad when i got my first grey hair at 15???”

The Nut feels tears pricking her eyes as she sees her youth zoom past her. She can envisage herself creating a tag called “old age”. Soon there are tears – tears of deep sorrow from the Nut and tears of laughter from the Tall One.

You see, you hafta to understand – for the Nut, her jet black hair is the one sigh of her youth. The body resembles a 52 year old, the deep wisdom and maturity on her face doesn’t let her pass off as a teeny bopper either…So it was all about the hair and that was gone!!!

Anyway the big big tears totally ruined the beautiful non caterpillar eyeliner and the mascara made the Nut look like something from the exorcist.

With the husband being uncooperative about sympathy and all, the janani was called upon –
Nut sobbing: “Maaammmaaaa you know i got my first grey hair…i am now old”
Mama realizing that this was genuine sorrow: “No baby one grey hair is not old”
Do i sense a brave attempt at attempting to stop a laugh there 😦
Mama:“Where is the hair baby?”
Nut: “My widow’s peak. See i told you i should have shaved off the widow’s peak. then this would have never happened”
Mama“No baby that’s really lucky to get a grey hair on the widow’s peak”
Yes mom i may cry for so called life changing silly reasons but i am not 10 to believe that
Nut sensing that there is no real sympathy there hangs up.
However as a parting short a sms was sent to the Mater – You are now older coz you have an old baby

The rest of the drive was spent analyzing THE HAIR – a curious one indeed, black at the roots, grey in between and Black at the end…Huh???

The hair was tied in various modes to check what hides the grey hair.

Then it was decided that the grey hair was actually quite distinguished and added to the wisdom of the nut and should be elegantly displayed. So the hair was re-tied in various modes.

All this was with frequent interruptions from the Tall one who kept trying to hijack the rear view mirror…! i tell u he was at his most uncooperative…what with the laughing and hijacking and all.

So anyway for the next 2-3 days the eyeliner putting talents were not admired – it was all about the hair. The hair in sunlight, dark light, medium light – all the lights…and somewhere the nut starting feeling some affection for this little weirdo….the feeling of wisdom kept growing

Come Wednesday – a good 5 days after the incident. The Nut decided to put a facemask and was washing it away and noticed some hair had facemask on it and needed a good scrub

and that’s when it struck her….

The wisdom from the grey hair disappeared, the distinguished elegant look given a break for some years to come

and the Nut remembered a stray hair which had come in the way while she was bleaching her face!!!

yes folks that explains the black root and the black end and the grey in between.

Sigh and that’s what was up with me the whole of last weekend. Do you really blame me for not blogging. I mean i had like one strand of her to keep analyzing.

*Refers to the garnier ad when the girl notices her first grey and goes running to her sister saying – “Didi my life is over” until her wise sister recommends garnier colour something. So there!

Wheels on my feet

If there is one thing i can claim to be totally passionate about – it is planning a holiday. My life is planned around holidays…so there are pre-baby holidays, pregnancy holidays, infant baby holidays, toddler baby holidays, Teenager not so baby holidays, old age holidays – all planned out in my head.

My babies are deferred coz of lots of pending pre-baby holidays. I have to admit the only one of the main reason i got married soon was to fit in all the “together together” holidays i had planned. I am sure i will manage to remain pregnant until i finish my pregnancy holidays.

There are weekend getaways, action packed holidays, resting holidays, “Me too” holidays all readily available in the encyclopedia of my head.

There are getaways for all budgets – when our Home loan makes us paupers, when our kids make us almost paupers (2 lakhs school fees!!! are u kidding me), when we get a lottery, when the husband becomes CEO, when the sultan of Brunei passes on his inheritance to me.

I am usually my only client but once in a while an unknown victim happens to ask me for advice and i pretty much dictate them into following my plan to a T plan their itinerary. The world doesn’t appreciate talent when they see it.

So should we be looking at 10 days, need to rest, budget (thanks to the huge Home Loans EMI’s), Passport Chaap required – the grid in my head dictates Sri Lanka.

So that’s where we are off to end Nov (Passport god’s willing – to be precise – passport renewal god’s willing) and i would love suggestions on places to stay, things to do or visit in Sri Lanka.

Hmmmmph – of course i have an itinerary in my head but then again…i am open to ideas unlike this one colleague couple who asked for my advice on their honeymoon and totally disregarded my opinion. I still nag them on this on

Why we are friends…

Cheeni to Nut: Atishhuuuu (p.s. thats her name for me) – i fought with hubby A today
Nut (wonders – real tragedy or meena kumari types) – Why What happened
Cheeni: Coz he misbehaved in my dreams yesterday, he left me for his first gf…i woke up feeling so awful. But i have told him to be nice in future dreams
Nut: Arrey…Same thing happened to me last year -i dreamt Tall One left me for brown girl (In Cheeni and Nut world – brown girl refers to women who wear boring clothes and colours) – u know the type who makes garma garm rotis and even put coriander leaves on the sabji. I toh didn’t talk to him that day…
Cheeni – Haw…these men na
Nut: Never mind baby – u know what the best part is – u can use at as a weapon when u fight
Cheeni (the student awaits the guru’s wise words) – Haink?
Nut puts on her wisest face and says:</strong Arrey we never do such things in their dreams na…!!!

Cheeni and Nut laugh away…while A and the Tall One wonder whether to call the psychiatrist, divorce lawyer or God (for divine help and all).

i suggest they just not cheat! What say

i became a mommy!

i have been meaning to do this post for a while…While i was in b’lore i discovered i became a mommy….to a orange star pillow.

The 6 yr old cousin who took a fascination* to me was also fascinated with this orange star pillow which he proclaimed was his baby…and that Chechi aka the me was the mommy!

Before u get down to the congratulations and the happy hugs u should know my baby is now on his way back to the US of A with his father and i have signed off my maternal rights to a 6 yr old caroline!

*Fascination equals clinging to my leg while i walked, sleeping on top of me while i watched TV, sitting on my lap while i bent down to pack my suitcase and refusing to let me hug anyone other than him…

Baby R – this is a story u will live to regret!

And yes the title was to call back my dear departed readers and comment leaving ppl…