Judgement Day

I met SI last year in Kolkata – 13 years after we had passed out from school.Nothing seemed to have changed – she still stressed about exams (she was studying to be a doc), still laughed endlessly, still had that nervous undecided air about her, as ambitious as ever- proud to be a doctor. Her husband BI came along with her and they took me out for dinner. Over dinner, we told BI stories of our school days, we both teased SI about her nervousness before exams and her endless life of study.

I remember thinking about how many more years she had to study and was quite impressed with how supportive BI was. I remember mentally congratulating the modern Indian man. I remember thinking how sweet of him to accompany her across the city post working hours to visit a friend. I remember

Around a month ago, it was BI’s birthday and i went to his wall on FB to wish him and noticed that the wall had been made private, most of the pics in his album were just him. SI wasn’t a mutual friends.And then the bells rang. Something was not right.

I had noticed that Si changed her name to her maiden name in FB. her profile pic changed to one of her alone, her facebook status updates were philosophical. I mailed her knowing something was amiss. She wrote back saying that BI used to physically abuse her and she had left him!

I was shocked.! I always thought of myself as a good judge of character. Was i so wrong? Are looks really so deceptive.

The good part is SI has a career, supportive parents and will come out of this. And i am glad for that.

This post would have ended here except last night.

Bi went on an overdrive (yes, i forgot to unfriend him on FB), his wall become public and he talked about how someone close to him, had betrayed him despite his support. How people use so ambitious that relationships mean nothing, How people fool people with their so called love and how their so called guardians support them. How people don’t have a heart and have trampled on his and how he needed strength to come out of this.

Another classmate was online then who also had BI as a friend. She messaged me about this verbal overdrive and said “while i dont want to belittle what SI went through but do we know the whole story”. and i have to be honest while i was reading his updates, i felt the same thing.

This coming from good friends of SI – while we did finally come to the conclusion that such public level sympathy mongering reeked of guilt. For a second there we did doubt our friend…

Isn’t it ironic that the one who talks aloud and plays the sympathy card is always considered as the ‘wronged’ one? Silence ain’t always considered golden?
Or is an ambitious woman always going to be viewed as the vamp?

Worse still is facebook too powerful an engine?

In the past the wronged one could whine to a select few. But now FB has allowed him to wash his dirty linen to all of his 300+ friends – most of them will be passing judgement on a woman they dont know – Passing judegement on my friend – the tiny parcel who was friendly to me when i was the new girl in school, the one who had her nose in her books except when she was laughing aimlessly at the silliest of jokes, the butt of many jokes most of which she didn’t get, the one who was so passionate about being a doctor. The simple good hearted girl who just wanted to be in the top 3 and then become a doctor

Yes people’s opinion dont matter…but it still does matter – doesn’t it?

SI – we are in your corner! God bless!


43 thoughts on “Judgement Day

  1. Kia

    Wow! Such an insightful post. It’s really difficult to understand what’s going on behind the scenes as the picture is not always as rosy as it seems. Best wishes to your friend.

  2. Comfy

    You hit the nail on the head when you ask ‘the one who talks aloud and plays the sympathy card is always considered as the β€˜wronged’ one’

    I have also started to think of us as a generation of public whiners. We update our status on FB at every mood change which changes 4-5 times a day. Sad, blue, upset, angry..it is all there for our 300+ *close* friends to see.

    We are basking too much in the public sympathy and e-hugs. And in cases like these using social forums to abuse someone who they abused in real life. When abused had the strength to move on, when the abuser held no physical power over the abused, they found a way to continue to mentally harass using FB and other mediums.

    This is the power of social media which our generation will take its time understanding. The cons that go with the pros.

    For your friend I wish her strength. I am so glad she had it in her to move out of a bad relationship. But she will need so much more strength in the days, weeks, months to come. Stand by her, let her know that you are there for her, hold her through the tough times ahead and see her come out of this a stronger person than ever.

    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      Comfy -I so agree with u…Do we really need to know if u have a headache and does the one who said get well soon really care??? Like u said the pros come with the cons and for better or worse it is here to stay

  3. zephyr

    I find the FB too public a platform too. And yes, only the crying baby gets the milk. And yes too, we judge people sometimes based on others’ opinions even when we are close to them, that is when doubt makes its sneaky entry into our minds. Tell your friend that I am in her corner too.

  4. celestialrays

    I have the opposite happen with my friend Nuttie. He(my friend) married a woman and within months she divorced him stating ‘incompatibility’ as the reason and took away so much of his and his parents’ money. Later they came to know that she had talks with her lawyer for a long time planning the whole thing out.

    He never bad mouths her or seeks sympathy but she on the other hand yells from the top of a building that she is one ‘abla naari’ and how she needs money despite they both being well settled and doing good jobs in London.

    I lose respect for anybody who needs an audience to bad mouth their partner and derives an ego massage from it. How many ‘aunties’ have I seen bitching about their husbands in complete glory behind their backs. On the other hand how many men have I seen who pass derogatory remarks about women in front of their wives, mothers and daughters.

    There is something called a human to human respect that should not be compromised no matter what. Why is it so hard for people to follow?

    Sorry for the rant!

    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      Sweetie you are most welcome to rant…How sad for your friend…dont know why ppl go to such levels to be deceptive.

      Come to think of it – i loose respect for anyone who tries to prove their point through disrespecting another rather than logical thoughts, actions or behaviour as the situation demands!!!

      1. celestialrays

        My friend is strong just like your friend. And and and he found love again and married her and is happy now πŸ˜€ I wish happiness for your friend in whatever she chooses to do.

        You are spot on. Couldn’t agree more πŸ™‚

  5. Ramya

    One can never judge abusers by their appearance. It’s a hard lesson I’ve learnt. Abusers can be, and often are, well educated, articulate and even appear liberal. I read somewhere that many abusers have strong personal charm – I am not surprised.

    Hope your fried gets out of this with minimal emotional and physical trauma and moves on with her life. It’s encouraging that her family is supportive, and that she is so passionate about her study

    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      I know…have seem them at close quarters and hence thought i was a judge…but i guess they come in all shapes and sizes.

      Thank god for supportive parents and some passion to live for πŸ™‚

  6. Chindi Chitranna

    That’s terribly sad, to hear about her. I’ve noticed that whenever there are some problems (unless it’s physical abuse or such, I’m talking about problems that are more to do with attitudes, relationship, etc) the woman gets blamed. Husband doesn’t get along well with his mother after marriage? Blame the wife. Husband doesn’t get along well with his sister/brother? Blame the wife. Similarly, any abuse problems, the man gets blamed. This may be true in most, but not all cases – we also need to acknowledge that vice versa could be possible, in both scenario.

    Of course, when someone cries out in sympathy, I think it’s human to feel for him/her and assume that the one who is silent is doing so out of guilt. Call it siding with a person because you don’t know the other side of the story!

    That said, I’m not sure how well you can claim to know a person, no matter how much time you spend with him or her. Someone I know killed herself some time ago. And no one – not a single soul – was aware that she had any kind of problems. She was always very carefree and didn’t care much about societal norms, notions, etc. And all of a sudden, we find out she committed suicide. What can you say? How well could we say we knew her, if we had no inkling that she was troubled, or that she wanted to do something so drastic?

    And also, I don’t know if you can ever know what the problem is in a marriage by listening to he view of just one party. Sometimes, you can listen to both stories and not know the while picture, because each person’s version is shaped by his/her ideas, preconceived notions, misconceptions, etc and colored by what they think is right, or what they think should/ought to be.

    Hope your friend is strong enough to go through this, sending up a prayer for her.

    PS. Phew. I wrote a mini-post in itself.

    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      i agree Chindi….I agree that all stories have two sides and while being her friend, i will stand by her – am sure the marriage breaking up was a result of both their actions and reactions. But i just have a problem with hhim voicing the same in such a public forum

  7. R's Mom

    Gosh isnt that dreadful…How can people use facebook to reflect their personal relations..I am on FB..and I do post comments on R and her bratiness or the stupid mumbai weather (apologies on that) but washing dirty linen in public..yuck!

    I hope SI comes out stronger and better and becomes an awesome doctor..here is support to her from the virtual world

  8. Deboshree

    One of the several evils of social networking… it is strange how people squeeze and twist and turn and ferret out newer ways to create a scene. Best wishes to your friend… I am sure she will be fine given the support she has from loved ones. πŸ™‚

  9. smartassbride

    Some darn luck for her. Like you say, one wonders why someone good needs to go through all this.

    you get away with a totally one-sided account in FB! but to be fair, you can use a blog for the same purpose. FB creates max. damage because of the common pool of friends and friends of friends.

    I have hidden and hidden and still hiding pointless updates from people, I wonder how many of my friends’ updates I can actually see on my wall.

  10. Pepper

    That is very sad… Over time I have become extremely suspicious and I hate that. Every time I see a couple who seems ‘too lovey dovey’ I suspect they are putting up a farce. They might just be really into each other, but I am always skeptic.

    I hope peace returns to your friend.

  11. DI

    I won’t write a long comment, because I have nothing to say which the others haven’t as yet. But it is sad, that the one who gains sympathy is the one who calls for it, and while the one who maintains a dignified silence , becomes the bad guy just like that.
    Best wishes to your friend, and good for her for having gotten out of a messy situation bravely.

  12. Pixie

    Best wishes to your friend and loads of prayers and support her way…

    I am very active on FB, I put up songs, status messages about what I ate, how awesome I am(!!) and when I fall sick!
    But, the one thing I detest is making one’s private life so very public!
    This guy was totally wrong about making everything so public!

    At the same time, there is really no justification for any sort of abuse!
    Kudos to your friend for walking out bravely with her head held high and with her dignity intact!!

    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      Thanks for your wishes pixie :-). I am fairly active on FB too but i think most sensible people draw a line at what is just too much for public consumption

  13. Little Fingers

    I hope your friend come out of this relationship, wish her all the very best in her life. Its sad that social networks in playing a crucial role in all our life, and I have seen couples who take snaps in weird poses just to upload to FB, is it really required to show off love and hate in public sites but that’s the truth 😦

  14. Tanishka

    While I started reading I did not expect that ending…. It is so sad that the so called modern man is still not able to accept an ambitious woman as his wife…. A woman is still not allowed to dream, to wish,…. Hugs to SI….


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