A leopard never changes his spots!

The front page of today’s mumbai mirror talks about Dimpy Ganguly walking out of their house after a “night of domestic violence”…It’s sad that poor girl looks a shadow of her childlike self as seen in the show.

I am sure Rahul Mahajan’s PR is working overtime right now to prove that Dimpy did this for publicity and never really wanted to marry Rahul…Now while the couple along with the newspapers and columnists debate who is right and who is wrong, we will all be subject to another Shoeb, Ayesha, Sania scenario. Yikess!!!

But to get back to the point on domestic violence – as per a NHFS india report 33% of the women in India in the age group of 15-49 have faced some form of domestic violence. Another survey done in the US suggests that 42.8% of the women surveyed have faced some form of abuse or the other.

What’s scary is there is very high probability that at least one of the women around you is a victim of domestic violence. She is probably walking around with a smile on her face -but in her heart, she lives her life walking on egg shells, never knowing what is going to “inspire” the next slap.

Now i am no expert on domestic violence, i have seen it at close quarters but that doesn’t mean i understand what a victim goes thru…these are just my thoughts on the same.

There are some women for whom the decision seems seemingly tough – the ones who are economically dependent, have no parental support and are uneducated.

But one wonders why a women who is educated, self-sufficient and confident stays on…it seems easy enough to open the door and walk out …doesn’t it?

Until it happens to u…

None of us can claim to understand it…

She sometimes stays because of obvious reasons – social stigma, your children, parental pressure. It seems so unfair that these factors weigh more than her self-confidence, her dignity and more importantly her safety.

But at times, I think that at the core of it is the abuser. Once the anger has lived its life, the a** is likely to promise profusely, showering gifts (for additional impact might shed tears )that they dont know what came over them, this wont happen again and that they are trying real hard. TRYING??? How difficult is it to keep ur hand down u moron…tie up your hands with a rope to help u remember.

This is likely to make a lot of victims believe it’s not all bad, they look at the positive aspects in the guy and decide a drastic step is not required and they stay on…until the next time when the cycle of violence is repeated.

And that’s why it’s heartening when a 22 year old Dimpy walks out on an abusive marriage in 4 months and decides enough is enough. in the report do see she mentions that he is a nice guy

A marriage which everyone and their aunt had predicted was just for publicity. A marriage ear-marked to fail, which probably gave her many worldly pleasures including a super luxurious honeymoon, a union which took her away from being a wannabe model and made her a social butterfly. Walking out is going to yield her a lot of “Told u so’s” and “She’s doing it for publicity” but at least she can walk without fear.

As Tagore said – where the mind is without fear and the head is held high…

Walk away girl,don’t look back…coz a leopard never changes his spots and yes one slap is all it takes!

So what do u think…why do educated, self-sufficient women stay on in abusive relationships?

p.s. yes i know the whole Tagore poem and know only these 2 lines hold true.

p.s. edited to add as per the latest report…dimpy has gone back to the idiot at the insistence of her father…sigh

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34 thoughts on “A leopard never changes his spots!

    1. piyu

      Domestic violence.. Haven’t seen in except on tv.. and read about it in paper.. But I really do not understand why women stay with the abuser despite the stuff happening over and over again.. is divorce so much of a taboo that you no longer have a right to live for the fear of society? Or economic dependence.. frankly, it might be better to get any job than to stay with someone who not only doesn’t respect you, but instead of protecting you is the person causing harm!!!

      But then again I do not know what these women are really going through to judge so harshly 😦

      Reply
      1. Nuttie Natters Post author

        True Piyu – it seems so easy logically but i think ur heart and mind might give u reasons to see otherwise…!

        We see/believe what we want to see and hide away the rest…

        Reply
  1. Chatterbox

    I have personally known women who have been victims of domestic violence, but realization about the gravity of their situation dawned on me not long before once I grew up to understand what all was included under this heinous crime besides physical abuse.

    It’s a tough question to answer definitively just like you pointed out nuttie, but yes, times have changed. There is so much support and awareness around that women should no longer suffer and should raise voice at the very first instance.

    For a hand that is raised to hit you once shall surely do it a second time too.

    Do not bear with it for such situations never improvise they only deteriorate.

    A very thought provoking post Nuttie πŸ™‚

    Reply
  2. DI

    Nice post Nuttie, and I couldn’t help but nod along with all that you said.
    About the incident, I had no belief whatsoever in this whole drama, but if it is true, and she walked away, she is smart. And I am glad atleast some women have the guts to escape on time

    Reply
  3. Swaram

    I think support from family and friends is really necessary. Social pressure is still such an important factor in India and I really feels sad abt it 😦

    One of my Mom’s cousin walked out of such a marriage – her husband and MIL used to torture her horribly. The entire family supported her and never made her feel she is doing something wrong, rather committing a ‘SIN’ She is happily married to another person now and made sure that fella paid her all that ws due in the court! Bcoz she had paid enuf from her pockets for a house they had bought!

    Reply
    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      applauds Swaram’s aunt πŸ˜€

      yes, family is so critical in dealing with a divorce. But the first step of letting her family know about her marriage is a tough one…!

      Reply
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  5. smartassbride

    I guess it becomes an intensely personal issue, if you are educated and independent financially.

    Like, I stay in the relationship not because I can’t earn for myself, but because I fear I’ll be judged. Or worse, pitied.

    Add it to the points you mentioned, it becomes really difficult to decide.

    And yeah, it’s also difficult(for the person suffering) to see it in just black and white. It’s a relationship after all and she has invested a lot in it.

    Hell, I have trouble walking away from a goddamn insurance policy that wasn’t a good choice. I can’t imagine what this would feel like.

    Reply
  6. celestialrays

    I think the urban, educated, confident woman is not under parental pressure, or afraid of social stigma.
    They put up with domestic abuse for children like you said, or many of them are under denial – its just a phase they think. Also, we all are socail beings, we like to belong somewhere, have a family around us, we get used to those small circles… For many, leaving the husband means fending on her own, so she endures… 😦
    Sad na?

    Reply
  7. BlueMist

    Sad Indeed. 😦
    I think it is the emotional investment in the relationship, in the person and the family built around. It is quite difficult to walk out of something that you build with so much love and devotion right ?
    and it is human nature to give second chances. and like Divz said the denial part.

    Reply
    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      True BM…! that and the belief that it is not bad all the time – the non abuse time must be like any other relationship…other than the fear one feels

      Reply
  8. zephyr

    That was a very well written piece NN. I totally agree that once one walks out of an abusive marriage, one can at least walk tall and not in fear. But the decision is clouded by many issues, the major of which are children. The reason the statistics are low in India is not because there is less violence, but less people report them for the sake of keeping up the ‘izzat’ of the family. 😦

    Reply
    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      True z…am feeling so bad that as per today’s report she has gone back to him…at her dad’s insistence :(…her dad’s reason is probably the ‘izzat’

      Reply
  9. Telugumom

    Very nice post Nuttie! I have not seen domestic violence personally but, I do think that people decide not to walk out for many reasons. Kids are one main reason and it is just not easy to give up on a marriage. Then, there is the social stigma and the fear that no one would support her.

    I am not saying that they should not walk out. If the violence is really bad, the woman is better off living by herself. But, not many people realize it. Really very sad.

    When I read news articles or posts like these, I thank God for giving me a loving family and friends around me who respect me.

    Reply
  10. snippetsnscribbles

    I sometimes watch in horror (and sometimes in awe) at the guts and firmness that people here walk out of their marriage (and sometimes on the DAY of their wedding)! Their whole deal is – if you feel in your heart that something is not right, dont do it.

    We, on the other hand, give it the goddamn “time” and “marriage will change him” CRAP and get into it KNOWINGLY!

    When I heard of him getting married to Dimpy, I doubted her sense (or lack of it) of discretion and doubted the marriage will ever work. Although I now feel she did the right thing to walk out of it, I think it will still remain a bad chapter in her life. And add to it the number of people who will rub the “I told you so” thing in her face! Bah!

    You’ve given the right title – a leopard never changes his spots! Good post πŸ™‚

    Reply
  11. dilontherocks

    Welll..we know for sure that its not going to be the last time. Each time, they go back, they get slapped again and there it is, another story, little more media hustle bustle..Never ending 😦
    Anyone needs to learn for good. Its time.

    Reply
    1. Nuttie Natters Post author

      Yes BM…but more than being person specific, the point i was trying to make that once an abuser always a abuser…not really related to Rahul…just sparked off by that and of course she disappointed me by going back sighhh!

      Reply

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